Comrades, let us not be misled by bourgeois headlines about “crashes” and “failures.” The glorious Kosmos 482 has not crashed - it has arrived. Precisely on schedule and on target.
This is not a malfunction. It is a strategic planetary deployment. The Soviet spacecraft, launched in 1972, was only presumed to be lost. In fact, it was observing radio silence as part of a long-term infiltration protocol. Now that it has returned to Earth, it can begin Phase II: demoralizing decadent Western infrastructure by posing as “space debris” while actually collecting parking ticket data and interfering with Amazon deliveries.
The Ministry of Retroactive Triumphs has already confirmed this as a historic victory for Soviet cosmic resilience. While Western capitalists waste money launching things away from Earth, Russia brings them back for reusable occupation of planetary territory.
Stay tuned for the announcement of a parade and commemorative postage stamp.
Statistics: Posted by Red Square — 5/12/2025, 4:19 pm